Pincer Grasp – Dealing with Anger as a Feminist
It’s high time for a practical everyday parenting post. So, I’ve had this brewing in my head for a while and I haven’t been very sure how to approach it until last night.
Kenisha is now almost 6 months old. She is still breastfeeding and, as a matter of fact, she outright refuses to drink expressed milk from a bottle. I even tried formula just to see what she would do and the result was no different. If it’s milk, it must come from the breast. Direct from the tap, no substitutions. This is fine except that occasionally, I need a break! She does eat baby food now so if I absolutely have to be away from her she doesn’t starve herself anymore. That has at least made things easier on me when I go to work on Saturday nights. As a result of my being home with her more now that I’ve had to cut my hours back, Kenisha is way more attached to me and my breasts (although the former may be a result of the latter).
Lately, Kenisha has taken to doing two things during our breastfeeding session that drive me insane. The first is biting. She doesn’t actually have any teeth yet but those gums can bring tears to my eyes. Every time she does it I howl with pain. And what does she do? She laughs! This makes me want to toss her out the window (not literally of course, if she’d bounce maybe). I’ve tried not to show any reaction so that she won’t get the satisfaction and want to do it again, but alas, it is impossible not to respond to a clamp down on your nipple. This has led to two things: 1) as you may have inferred from the window reference above, I get angry, and 2) I’m very reluctant to (and afraid of) feeding her, especially when I know she’s not real happy with me.
The second thing she’s been doing lately while breastfeeding is pinching my nipples! She has realized that if she wants to suck and she puts her lips on my breast or starts grabbing at my shirt that I’ll feed her. It’s good for me because I don’t have to guess if she’s hungry anymore since she let’s me know. But here’s the catch: she doesn’t always want to eat! Sometimes she just wants the comfort and drifts off to sleep but other times it’s a ploy to get at my nipples! She will latch on and suck as if she’s sooo innocent and then pull off and look around a bit, then at me, then at the nipple she was just sucking on. And then she does it! she takes her little thumb and forefinger and pinches my nipple. Luckily, her pincer grasp isn’t fully developed so this doesn’t hurt but sometimes she’s try to rake it and grab it in the palm of her hand. Still not as painful and the biting but it is rather annoying. I’ve obligated myself to the task of breastfeeding. It’s demanding; it’s tiring and, as illustrated above, sometimes painful. I did not agree to let this little girl fondle my nipples! I get enough of that from her father (and that’s a whole other dimension to this story).
I have demands on my body now from both my partner and my daughter. They both drive me insane and I love then about equally as much as they make me crazy (which is a whole lot).
Am I mad about all this because I’m a feminist? I struggled with that question for a while but I’ve come to realize I’m actually not as mad as I would have been had I not understood the dynamics involved in my situation. Feminism has taught me well to examine each situation and take it apart at it’s root. And while initial reactions tend to be heated and angry, I can step back and take appropriate action as a result of this knowledge. Anger is normal, our actions as a result of anger are what need to be examined. Do we perpetuate or to we imped this cycle of inappropriate and hurtful reactions?